I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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