ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
