I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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