It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
