I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
