My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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