Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
