if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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