My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
