I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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