Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
