It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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