i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
