is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
