a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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