6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
