I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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