At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
