you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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