Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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