You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
