everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
