just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
