i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
