from now on my penis is your penis
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
