Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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