Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
