I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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