How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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