I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
