i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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