hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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