ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
