fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
