I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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