I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
