Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i've created a new STD.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
