Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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