I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize