Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
