And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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