I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I need to calm my uterus...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
