We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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