Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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