why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
