I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize