She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
