I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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