she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize