Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
