when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
They are going to name an STD after you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
