Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
