Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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