I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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