I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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