How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
