My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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