I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
