I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
