If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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