i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
