my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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