so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
