I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize