I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
